23 Predictions for 2023
1)
Scientists prove that we really are all living in a simulation...
Hearing this, computer nerds quickly hack the system and end up dating all the hotties.
2) The defacement of monuments continues, as countless Hindu and Buddhist statues have their right hand removed for flashing the white supremacist “okay” sign.
3) Hugs become hate crimes.
4) The 'Defund The Police' movement proves successful and crime rates skyrocket, mainly due to the newly added criminal element of highly skilled unemployed police officers.
5) The song "Preteen Shark" struggles to gain any real traction.
6) Scientists at CERN accidentally unleash a being from a different dimension which feeds on intelligence, leaving its victims in a vegetative state. It goes on to consume the mental capacity of all those within the CERN complex. The world declares war on the creature and an Army General, assigned to handle the situation, captures it with an insertion team of robotic soldiers. He has it transported to, and then released, into an active session of Congress, where it subsequently starves to death in a matter of moments.
7) Tom Cruise, having again returned to his bunker, cautiously comes out on February 2nd. After seeing his shadow and becoming absolutely terrified, he hastily retreats to the safety of said bunker. This is a real bring down to general morale, because it means six more weeks of dark winter.
8) An unprecedented megaquake causes California to shear off of the continent and slide into the ocean. Luckily, all of the plastic in the Pacific Gyre acts as a flotation device.
9) After thousands of years, the planet Nibiru reenters our solar system and its inhabitants, the Anunnaki, send a recon party to Earth, checking up on the slave race it created to mine gold for them, long ago. After a brief inspection and coming to the depressing conclusion that, over time, humans have become entirely too stupid for the task, they reluctantly declare the whole project a bust and throw in the towel, not even bothering to expend the energy necessary to destroy the planet. However, before leaving in search of a more intelligent race to mess with, they do shakedown Mr. T.
10) A drastic food shortage crisis leaves grocery store shelves bare. As a result, the Purina feed company makes record profits.
11) Klaus Schwab severely bruises his finger from continuously spamming the reset button.
12) Drugged out and unconscious homeless people littering city sidewalks inspire the release of John Deere’s new “Organ Harvester” line.
13) Onlookers watch, in a combination of mixed horror and glee, as David Icke is devoured, by what is described as an enormous Komodo dragon, while taking a stroll in London's Hyde Park. Many witnesses claim that the reptile was wearing the Crown Jewels. Curiously, roughly 12 hours later, the exact same thing happens to Alex Jones just after he comes off the Dragon's Revenge ride at Schlitterbahn Waterpark in New Braunfels, Texas. Again, witnesses report a crown and jewelry but are unable to verify whether or not they were the Crown Jewels.
14) A federal law is enacted to address gender inequality in job titles. Milkman becomes "Milkperson", Cowboy becomes "Cowperson", Made Man becomes "Made Person", etc. Both the milk industry and the Mafia adjust but Texas declares it the last straw and secedes, taking the entire Southwest (except the floating garbage gyre island of California) with it.
15) The public school system institutes the requirement that the “Volodymyr Zelenskyy Pianist Method” be taught in all Music Appreciation courses.
16) The true reason behind the pandemic finally leaks out: in order to make the future King of England, Prince Charles, more comfortable in public, drastic measures were taken to ensure that worldwide mask mandates would be instituted in an effort to train everyone’s ears to protrude sideways.
17) The Mormons obtain a copy of Bill Gates' AncestryDNA results, and after a rigorously thorough genealogy search, discover that his real father was, in fact, Mr. Rogers.
18) A wealthy cattleperson hires a team of zoologists and linguists to decipher the language of cows. Incredibly, they crack the code and it turns out that bovines are actually quite intelligent. The rancher holds a press conference in which he relays their message to humanity... "Mankind, as a whole, are as somnambulistic sheep led to their own slaughter by wolves in sheep's clothing. Something needs doing, as the entirety of life itself hangs in the balance. The time is nigh. Wake up before it is too late!" Major media outlets immediately dismiss the message, calling it "Fake Moos."
19) "Partying With Pinkman" becomes the most successful reality show in history.
20) Hawaii is granted sovereignty by the United Nations. Makua Rothman takes his political aspirations to a new level, and with the backing of Da Hui, immediately declares himself king, his first order of business being the reversing of King Kamehameha’s edict banning human sacrifice. A state lottery is held to see who will be first to be offered to the gods.
The result seems highly unlikely (even if completely possible statistically) and raises serious doubts regarding the legitimacy of the process, as Mark Zuckerberg is selected. Though human sacrifice is a violation of international law, the UN makes an exception in this case and turns a blind eye.
21) In England, Guy Fawkes Day is replaced by Guy Montag Day. Nobody is too upset, because they still get to burn a lot of stuff.
22) It is revealed that the Earth is indeed flat but simply appears curved because our eyeballs are round.
23) The Star Spangled Banner is officially replaced by the "Mickey Mouse Club Theme" song. When questioned about the reasoning behind the anthem switch, a lawmaker explains... "Why? Because we like you!"
Aloha
